The myriad personalities that inhabit the pages of my novel Embracing Calla seem to swirl around me, each a reflection of some facet of my own psyche. Writing, for many authors, is an act of introspection, a way to navigate the complexities of their thoughts and feelings. For me, it’s a bit like holding up a mirror to the multitudes within myself, acknowledging that I see a piece of myself in every character I create. This realization makes me ponder the fine line between creativity and madness.
What stands out between the characters and me:
Take Calla, her nosiness, empathy, and indecision are traits that resonate with me deeply. Her journey through the challenges of infertility, her lyrical obsession, and her vegetarian lifestyle with a coffee addiction. I see so much of myself in her struggles and triumphs, using music as a language to express the inexpressible.
Benedict, always in his head, questioning, and assuming. His character embodies the constant internal dialogue that plagues many of us, the endless questioning of actions and intentions. In crafting Benedict, I realized I was exploring the depths of my own tendency to overthink and misinterpret.
Then there’s Primrose, the annoying baby sister. Her character brings out the familial dynamics that many of us navigate, embodying the love and irritation that siblings often bring out in us.
Sebastian represents the steadfast loyalty and support we all yearn for in friendships, reminding me of my own commitment to be there for those I care about, no matter the circumstances.
Poppy, the stay-at-home mom, a role that many, including myself, find both rewarding and daunting.
And then there’s Luka. Crafting his character was an exploration into the darker recesses of the human psyche. The realization that he was evolving into a narcissist came as a surprise, a subconscious decision that made me question the complexities of my own nature. It’s intriguing to think about how our minds work, how a character can take on a life of their own and reflect back parts of ourselves we might not readily acknowledge.
Music is life; that’s why hearts have beats:
Music threads through Embracing Calla as a lifeline, a universal language that speaks to the heart. Each song chosen for Calla’s playlist is a piece of her soul, a way for her to communicate her deepest feelings and memories. From the therapeutic tones of Matchbox Twenty to the introspective lyrics of Jason Mraz, music is a character in its own right, shaping the narrative and guiding the emotional journey of the characters.
Some examples are:
Listening to Matchbox Twenty on the plane made her feel safe and later Benedict sings *NSYNC to calm her down from a panic attack. Dancing and singing are Calla’s go-to calming mechanism.
I decided to use songs that have tones of therapy. “Unwell” and “Back 2 Good” by Matchbox Twenty, “Show Yourself” from Frozen 2, “Just Give Me A Reason” by Pink and Nate Ruess, “Desperately Wanting” by Better Than Ezra, and “Million Reasons” by Lady Gaga just to name a few. “Overjoyed” by Matchbox Twenty describes how she’s starting to feel about Benedict. There are so many more.
Why Jason Mraz?:
Then enters Jason Mraz. It starts simple, he has this song called “Clockwatching” and it’s about premature ejaculation. I thought I hit the jackpot because Calla’s a sex therapist. I also felt like I needed to give Benedict something Calla could understand… music. So I decided to make him a Jason Mraz fan.
When I was younger I was a huge Jason Mraz fan Waiting For My Rocket To Come was my life and also Mr. A to Z.
There’s a line that I wrote that I literally said to myself when searching songs.
“Is he still relevant? I mean, he’s so 2005 or something.” I watch her scroll through her Spotify. “No way, he has like seven albums and the last one put out was—no shit, 2020. My bad.” She randomly clicks on “93 Million Miles” and the traffic starts to move again. I lip sync and nod my head to the rhythm of the song.
True story.
No shame to Jason Mraz, but after Mr. A to Z, “I’m Yours” wasn’t my jam. However, amidst my research, I fell hardcore back in love with Jason Mraz. He was my beacon of hope and courage to put this novel out into the world. The songs “Have It All” and “3 Things” gave me all the lyrical bravery to send the first draft to an editor. The Yes! album is sublime and his new album Mystical Magical Rhythmical Radical Ride is hands down the best album ever, just not mentioned in the book because it didn’t exist when I wrote it. I feel like I should dedicate this novel to Jason Mraz.
The Infertility Journey:
I incorporated a lot of my infertility journey into this story. There was one scene in particular where the feedback from a beta reader said, “This would never happen…”
He takes a deep breath. Is he actually going to tell me something with substance? “When I was eleven, my mom was still struggling because she couldn’t have more kids. So one day at Target, I came up with a plan.” He laughs, remembering.
“At Target?” That seems like an odd place to decide to adopt your friend.
“Yes, you never know where you’re going to be inspired. This lady came up to me and informed eleven-year-old me that I was going to enjoy my Nerf gun with my brothers. I told her I didn’t have any brothers. She told my mom she was horrible for having only me.”
Really? “At Target?”
“In the toy section of Target, Calla.” He rubs his hand on his neck. “I had to stand up for my mom. She was practically in tears because of this random person, so I yelled, ‘Hey, I don’t need any brothers because my mom plays with me and she’s the best.’ I think I shocked her, but don’t fuck with my mom, lady.” I can tell he’s trying not to make a tough situation sound horrible. “I’m sorry I f-bombed you.”
That’s the most natural he’s ever seemed while sitting in one of our sessions.
“It’s okay. You’re allowed.” I giggle. “And I get it. No one wants unsolicited advice.”
“I know. It was never-ending for my mom. I went home and put my plan into action.”
The Truth Behind The Scene:
I assure you, this narrative thread was not spun from thin air. When my daughter was about 18 months old, we found ourselves in the aisles of Target, navigating the simple joy of choosing dress-up clothes. It was there that a casual comment from a stranger struck a chord deep within me. She suggested my daughter would enjoy the clothes with her sisters, an innocent assumption that unwittingly opened a wound.
When I mentioned that my daughter was my only one, the lady’s reaction was less than kind. Her words, though perhaps thoughtless, cut deep, unveiling the pain of a seven-year journey to conceive the child I had with me. That moment broke me; I dissolved into tears right there between the brightly lit aisles, swearing off Target, not realizing that the universe would soon grant my wish in the most unexpected way as the world retreated into the solitude of the pandemic. Plus I figured out that she can play dress up with Pixie.
Conclusion:
Sharing this aspect of my life within the context of Embracing Calla is not merely a narrative choice; it’s an invitation to readers to find solace in shared experiences, to see themselves in the struggles and triumphs of the characters, and to recognize the strength in vulnerability. It’s a testament to the power of storytelling to bridge the gap between the personal and the universal, to transform individual moments of pain and joy into a collective journey of understanding and empathy.
Read Embracing Calla for free on Kindle Unlimited.
For more information visit Tamara Mapstead.
